Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love.

I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I took a speed-reading course and read War & Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

If it turns our there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.

Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right!

It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a cross-roads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.

Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing; between 5 it's fantastic!

Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful - provided you get between the right woman and the right man.

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best.

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

To YOU I'm an atheist but to GOD I'm the Loyal Opposition.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.