To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

If some guy asked me the meaning of Love, I'd pin his arm up behind his back and say... "Now look who's asking the Questions!"

If you lose your job, your marriage, and your mind all in one week, try to lose your mind first, because then the other stuff won't matter that much.

Instead of half-mast, maybe they could fly a flag at three-quarters for a guy who's in a coma. Then, if he gets worse, the flag gets lower, or if he gets better, it starts to move up, so you can just look at the flag and see how he's doing.

Whenever I need to "get away," I just get away in my mind. I go to my imaginary spot, where the beach is perfect and the weather is perfect. There's only one bad thing there: the flies! They're terrible!

If a kid ever asks you how Santa Claus can live forever, I think a good answer is that he drinks blood.

When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.

It's funny how two simple words, "I promise," will stall people for a while.

If you ever get some outer space guy in a headlock, and his head starts throbbing and glowing different colors, don't let go. That just means that the headlock is working.

If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness.

I'll never forget the time that a skunk got under the house and Grandpa went under to get him. Boy, it smelled for months. You know, that was the last time we ever saw Grandpa.

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him.

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says: "YOU." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit the high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because, what is that thing?

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said: "Dust to dust," some people laughed and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven ... with a gun."

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

I think one reason I could be a good playboy is I would be willing to spend the time required to really fix up my "pad."

Dad always thought that laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically it's made up of two words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes by, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it, so sue me."

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.

When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

To me boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Perhaps we'll never know.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a stick.

I don't pretend to have all the answers, I don't pretend to even know what the questions are. Hey, where am I?

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a living thing, not that different from a tall, leafy dog that has roots and is very quiet.

Howard had felt guilty. No matter how much he tried to forget it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of shame was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him: "Howard, don't worry about it. You're not the first doctor to have an affair with one of your patients and you won't be the last. And you're single, so just let it go." But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Howard, you're a veterinarian!"

It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs.

To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than to be selfish and worry about my liver."

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile away from them, and you'll have their shoes.

If you go flying back through time and you see somebody flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

It's really easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting more money.

Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.

If I ever get rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like now.

If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse. I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with wooden stakes.

Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.

If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out of your nose.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.