Acton, Lord
 
  Learn as much by writing as by reading.
   
 

Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.

   
Adams, Cindy
   
  Most people spend their lives going to bed when they're not sleepy and getting up when they are.
 
Adams, Franklin P.
 
  There are plenty of good five-cent cigars in the country.  The trouble is they cost a quarter.  What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
   
  I find that a great part of the information I have was acquired by looking up something and finding something else on the way.
   
  To err is human; to forgive, infrequent.
 
Adams, Phillip
 
  It seems to me that people have vast potential. Most people can do extraordinary things if they have the confidence or take risks. Yet most people don't. They sit in front of the telly and treat life as if it goes on forever.
 
Adams, Scott
 
  An optimist is simply a pessimist with no job experience.
 
Adcock, Joe
   
Trying to sneak a fastball past Hank Aaron is like trying to sneak the sunrise past a rooster.
 
Adler, Alfred
 
 

Man knows much more than he understands.
   
 

The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.
   
 

There is no such thing as talent. There is pressure.
   
  It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
 
Agassi, Andre
   
  What makes something special is not just what you have to gain, but what you feel there is to lose.
   
Agathon
   
  Even God cannot change the past.
   
Alcott, Amos Bronson
   
  To be ignorant of one's ignorance is the malady of the ignorant.
   
Alder, Alfred
   
  It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
   
Alder, Kurt Herbert
   
  Tradition is what you resort to when you don't have the time or the money to do it right.
   
Algren, Nelson
   
  Never play cards with a man called Doc. Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own.
   
Ali, Muhammad
 
  The man who has no imagination has no wings.
   
  The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life.
   
  When a chivalrous man makes an oath, he is faithful to it, and when he attains power, he spares his enemy.
   
Allais, Alphonse
   
  Coffee is a beverage that puts one to sleep when not drunk.
   
Allen, Bob (Golfer)
   
  The fun you get from golf is in direct ratio to the effort you don't put into it.
 
Allen, Fred
   
  A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
   
  A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
   
  I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
   
  The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own hand.
   
Allen, Henry
   
  It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be coming up it.
   
  Allen, Roger
   
  In case you're worried about what's going to become of the younger generation, they're going to grow up and start worrying about the younger generation.
   
Allen, Tim
   
  My mom said that the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
   
  My Nana, ninety years old and still driving, Now with me, that would be stupid.
   
Amsterdam, Morey
   
  People who live in glass houses might as well answer the door.
   
Anderson, Harry
   
  A fool and his money were lucky to get together in the first place.
   
Ancis, Joe
   
  The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well.
   
Andersen, Larry
   
You're only young once, but you can be immature forever.
 
Anderson, Paul
   
  I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated.
   
Andrews, Andy
   
  Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
   
Andujar, Joaquin
   
That's why I don't talk. Because I talk too much.
 
Antisthenes
   
  Observe your enemies, for they first find out your faults.
   
Archard, Marcel
   
When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped.
 
Archimedes
   
Give me a lever long enough and I shall move the World.
   
Aristotle
   
  Poverty is the parent of revolution and crime.
   
  There is no great genius without a mixture of madness.
   
Armstrong, Neil
   
  That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.
   
Arnold, Matthew
   
 

Truth sits upon the lips of dying men.
   
Arnould, Sophie
   
  Women give themselves to God when the Devil wants nothing more to do with them.
 
Asimov, Isaac
 
  I do not fear computers, I fear the lack of them.
   
I don't believe in an afterlife, so I don't have to spend my whole life fearing hell, or fearing heaven even more. For whatever the tortures of hell, I think the boredom of heaven would be even worse.
   
Astor, Nancy
   
I refuse to admit I'm more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate.
   
Attell, Dave
   
  Some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people the cops. But sometimes you've got no choice. Those kids gotta get to school.
   
  Men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire, they're exactly alike.
   
Augustine, Norman
   
  If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock, not selling advice.
   
Backus, Jim
   
  Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.
   
Baeck, Leo
   
  A minority is always compelled to think. That is the blessing of being in the minority.
   
Baer, Arthur (Bugs)
   
  A good neighbor is a fellow who smiles at you over the back fence but doesn't climb over it.
   
  It was as helpful as throwing a drowning man both ends of a rope.
   
Bagehot, Walter
   
  Poverty is an anomaly to rich people. It is very difficult to make out why people who want dinner do not ring the bell.
   
Baker, Bubba
   
  You have to be stupid, and this works out well for me. (on playing in the NFL)
 
Baker, Russell
   
Don't try to make your children grow up to be like you, or they may do it.
 
Ball, Lucille
   
  The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
   
Baldwin, James
   
  Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.
 
Bankhead, Tallulah
   
It is the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.
 
Barber, Red
   
Baseball is dull only to dull minds.
 
Barkley, Charles
   
  If I weren't earning $3 million a year to dunk a basketball, most people on the street would run in the other direction if they saw me coming.
   
  My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character. (On hearing that Tonya Hardin proclaimed herself "the Charles Barkley of figure skating")
 
Barnum, Phineas Taylor
   
  There's a sucker born every minute.
   
Barrie, James M.
   
  We are all failures - at least the best of us are.
 
Barry, Marion (Mayor)
   
If it weren't for the killings, Washington would have one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
 
Barrymore, John
   
You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony.
   
  America is the country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirins and use it up in two weeks.
   
  If it isn't the sheriff it's the finance company. I've got more attachments than a vacuum cleaner.
   
  I would like to find a stew than will give me heartburn immediately, instead of three o'clock in the morning.
   
Baruch, Bernard
   
  I will never be an old man. To me old age is always 15 years older than I am.
   
Barzan, Gerald
   
  He played the King in the game of life, but someone played the Ace.
   
Baum, Bruce
   
  I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, "Whoa, I'm way too high!"
   
Begala, Paul
   
   Politics is show business for ugly people.
   
Behan, Brendon
   
 

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
   
Benchley, Robert
   
  Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
   
Benitez, Justo Pastor
   
  Peace is preferable to a place in history.
   
Bennett, James Gordon
   
  I have made mistakes but I never made the mistake of claiming I never made one.
   
Benny, Jack
   
  I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
 
Bergen, Edgar
   
  Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to stay lazy.
   
Berle, Milton
   
  A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
   
  You can lead a man to Congress but you can't make him think.
   
Berra, Dale (son of Yogi)
   
The only thing my father and I have in common is that our similarities are different.
   
Bevan, Aneurin
   
  We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. They get run over.
   
Bierce, Ambrose
   
  Omen: A sign that something will happen if nothing happens.
   
  The covers of this book are too far apart.
 
Billings, Josh
   
  Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold well.
   
  Never teach your children to be cunning, you'll be one of their first victims.
   
 

The best time to hold your tongue is the time you feel you must say something or bust.
   
  The best way to convince a fool that he is wrong is to let him have his way.
   
  There are some people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the truth without lying.
   
  There may come a time when the lion and the lamb will lie down together, but I am still betting on the lion.
   
  There's lots of people who spend so much time watching their health, they haven't got time to enjoy it.
   
  When a man comes to me for advice I find out what kind of advice he wants and I give it to him.
   
Bishop, Billy
   
  On the edge of destiny, you must test your strength.
   
Black, Margot
   
  I think it's really important to maintain a positive attitude. It might not solve all your problems, but keep it up long enough and it will piss off enough people to make it worthwhile.
   
Bloch, Arthur
   
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
   
Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
   
Bluestone, Ed
   
  I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.
 
Bluestone, Steve
   
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
 
Bogart, Humphrey
   
A hot dog at the ball park is better than steak at the Ritz.
 
Bok, Derek
   
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
 
Bolt, Tommy (Golfer)
   
Golf is a game where guts and blind devotion will always net you absolutely nothing but an ulcer.
   
The greatest liar in the world is the golfer who claims he plays the game for merely exercise.
 
Bombeck, Erma
   
  Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.
   
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk until I faint.
   
  Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
 
Bonilla, Bobby
   
Kids today are looking for idols, but sometimes they look too far. They don't have to look any farther than their home because those are the people that love you. They are the real heroes.
   
Bonnel, Barry
   
  "Noah." (former Seattle Mariner, when asked to name his all-time favorite Mariner).
 
Boone, Daniel
 
  I can't say I was ever lost, but I was bewildered once for three days.
 
Boucicault, Dion
   
  Men talk of killing time, while time quietly kills them.
   
Bouton, Jim
   
The older they get, the better they were when they were younger.
 
Bradbury, Ray
   
  We are an impossibility in an impossible universe.
   
Braude, Jacob
   
  Always behave like a duck - keep calm and unruffled on the surface but peddle like the devil underneath.
   
Braunstein, Richard
   
 

The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid.
   
Bridges, Rocky
   
You mix two jiggers of scotch to one jigger of Metrecal. So far I've lost five pounds and my driver's license.
   
It's a good thing I stayed in Cincinnati for four years, it took me that long to learn how to spell it.
   
You know when you've got it made? When you get your name in the crossword puzzles.
   
I prefer fast food (on why he wouldn't eat snails).
 
Brilliant, Ashleigh
   
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.
   
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
   
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
   
I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
 
Brock, Lou
   
Show me a guy who's afraid to look bad and I'll show you a guy you can beat every time.
   
No one wants to hear about the labor pains, they just want to see the baby.
 
Brooks, Mel
   
  If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
 
Brower, Charles
   
Few people are successful unless a lot of other people want them to be.
 
Brown, H. Jackson Jr.
   
If someone offers you a breath mint, accept it.
   
Brown, Judy
   
  I agree with New Age Philosophy that everything happens for a reason. But not always for a good reason. A tornado is not especially interested in your self-actualization.
   
Brown, William J.G.
   
In high school I took a little English, some science, some hubcaps and some wheel covers.
 
Browning, Elizabeth Barrett
   
  Measure not the work until the day's out and the labor done.
   
Bryan, William Jennings
   
  Destiny is no matter of chance. It is a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.
   
  No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
   
Buckley, William F.
 
  I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob.
 
  Idealism is fine, but as it approaches reality, the costs become prohibitive.
   
Buffett, Warren
   
  In the business world, the rearview mirror is always clearer than the windshield.
   
Bulwer-Lytton, E. R.
   
  It is difficult to say who do the most mischief: enemies with the worst intentions or friends with the best.
   
Burnett, Carol
   
  Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me.
 
Burns, George
 
  Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
   
  Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
   
If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
   
  You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
 
Butler, Samuel
   
  A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg.
   
If the headache would only precede the intoxication, alcoholism would be a virtue.
   
  Any event, once it has occurred, can be made to appear inevitable by a competent historian.
   
  How holy people look when they are sea-sick!
   
Byron, Lord
   
  The thorns that I have reaped are of the tree I planted.