Cabell, James Branch
   
  An optimist proclaims we live in the best of all possible worlds - the pessimist fears this is true.
   
Capone, Al
   
  Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work.
   
  I don't even know what street Canada is on.
   
  When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve it on Lake Shore Drive, its called hospitality.
   
  You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
   
Carlin, George
   
  A lot of time when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, He was a loner. Well of course he was a loner, he killed everyone he came in contact with!
   
  Communism doesn't work because people like to own stuff.
   
  Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
   
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
   
  Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.
   
  If a man smiles all the time he's probably selling something that doesn't work.
   
  If you ask me this country could do with a little less motivation. The people causing all of the trouble seem highly motivated to me. Serial killers, stock swindlers, drug dealers, Christian Republicans. I'm not sure that motivation is always a good thing. You show me a lazy prick lying in bed all day watching TV, and I'll show you a guy not causing any trouble.
   
  I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose...it'll be much harder to detect.
   
  McDonald's "breakfast for under a dollar" actually costs much more than that. You have to factor in the cost of coronary bypass surgery.
   
  Men are stupid, and women are crazy. And the reason women are so crazy is because men are stupid.
   
  Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough not to quit.
   
  On election day I stay home. Because if you vote, you have no right to complain. You elect dishonest, incompetent people, they get in office and screw everything up. You caused  the problem. I am in no way responsible, and have every right to complain as loud as I want to about the mess you people created.
   
  Religion has actually convinced people that there is an invisible man living in the sky, who sees everything you do and wants you to follow a specific list of ten things or he'll send you to a place of fire, smoke and death, and crying forever and ever. But he loves you.
   
  Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why Not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that shit.
   
  War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. If  this is the best God can do, I'm not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the resume of a Supreme Being. This is the kind of stuff you would expect from an office temp with a bad attitude.
   
  Whenever I hear about a "peacekeeping force" I wonder if they're so interested in peace, why do they use force?
   
Carnegie, Andrew
   
  No man will make a great leader who wants to do it all himself, or to get all the credit for doing it.
   
Carnegie, Dale
   
  Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
   
  You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.
   
Carson, Johnny
   
  For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
   
  You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can get with a kind word alone.
   
   If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
 
Carter, Boake
   
In time of war the first casualty is truth.
   
Carter, Jimmy
   
  We should live our lives as though Christ were coming this afternoon.
   
Carville, James
   
  It's hard for somebody to hit you when you've got your fist in their face.
   
Cato The Elder
   
  I would rather men ask why I have no statue than why I have one.
   
  Wise men learn more from fools than fools from wise men.
   
Cavett, Dick
 
  As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.
   
  It's a rare person who wants to hear what he doesn't want to hear.
   
Cesario, Jeff
   
  A Democrat sees the glass as half-full, A Republican looks at the same glass, and wonders who the hell drank half his glass of water.
   
Chamfort, Sebastian
   
  A beautiful woman is paradise for the eyes, hell for the soul, and purgatory for the purse.
   
  Society is composed of two great classes - those that have more dinners than appetite, and those that have more appetite than dinners.
   
  There are well dressed foolish ideas, just as there are well dressed fools.
   
Chapman, George
   
  Young men think old men are fools; but old men know young men are fools.
 
Charles, Prince
 
  Do you seriously expect me to be the first Prince of Wales in history not to have a mistress?
   
Charles VI
   
  God sends the meat, the Devil sends the cooks.
   
Chase, Ilka
   
  The very fact that we make such a to-do over golden weddings indicates our amazement at human endurance.
   
Chesterfield, Lord
   
  When a man seeks your advise he generally wants your praise.
   
   
Chesterton, G.K.
   
 

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because generally they are the same people.
   
   
Ciardi, John
   
  Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade themselves that they have a better idea.
 
Cicero
   
  No man is so old as to think he cannot live one more year.
   
Clarke, Arthur C.
   
 

Sometimes I think we're alone in the universe, and sometimes I think we're not. In either case the idea is quite staggering.

   
Cleathen, Al
   
  People always say: "He died penniless" as if it's a terrible thing. Sounds like good timing to me.
 
Coffin, Harold
   
The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.
 
Confucius
   
Worry not that no one knows of you; seek to be worth knowing.
   
Our greatest glory is not never falling, but in rising every time we fall.
   
Only the wisest and stupidest of men never change.
 
Cocteau, Jean
   
I believe in luck; how else can you explain the success of those you don't like?
   
Conrad, Joseph
   
  Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade, since it consists principally with dealing with men.
 
Coolidge, Calvin
   
  I have never been hurt by anything I didn't say.
   
  If you don't say anything you won't be called upon to repeat it.
   
Corneille, Pierre
   
  A liar freely gives his oath.
   
Cosby, Bill
   
A word to the wise isn't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need the advice.
   
  "Don't worry about senility" my grandfather used to say. "When it hits you, you won't know it."
   
Cowper, William
   
  A fool must now and then be right by chance.
   
Crane, George
   
 

There is no future in any job. The future lies in the man who holds the job.

 
Cringely, Robert
   
If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year killing everyone inside.
 
Crosby, Norm
   
  When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
   
Cross, David
   
  The phrase Minimum Wage - What does that do for your self esteem? Can't we think of something else we can call it? "It's Better Than Nothing Wage." I'm making the "At Least I Don't Live In Haiti Wage."
   
Crossman, E. Joseph
   
The best way to remember you wife's birthday is to forget it once.
   
Crystal, Billy
   
  Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
 
Curie, Marie
 
  One never notices what has been done; one can only see what remains to be done.
   
Cummings, E.E.
   
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
 
Dandemis
   
Do not condemn the judgment of another because it differs from your own. You may both be wrong.
   
Dane, Frank
   
  Even if you understood women, you'd never believe it.
   
  Never vote for the best candidate, vote for the one who will do the least harm.
   
  People are not born bastards, they have to work at it.
   
  Nothing annoys a woman more than to have company drop in unexpectedly and find the house looking as it usually does.
   
  Optimist: A man who calls bullshit fertilizer.
   
  The wages of sin are high - but you get your money's worth.
 
Dangerfield, Rodney
   
  A girl phoned me the other day and said ... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over, nobody was home.
   
  If it weren't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
   
  And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with.
   
  I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said ... I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.
   
  When I got divorced, that was group sex. My wife screwed me in front of the jury.
   
Darian, Ron
   
  Ants can carry twenty times their own body weight, which is useful information if you're moving and you need help carrying a potato chip across town.
 
Darwin, Charles
 
  A man who dares to waste one hour of time has not discovered the value of life.
   
  I am an agnostic, I do not pretend to know what many ignorant men are sure of.
 
Davis, Bette
 
  I'd marry again if I found a man who had fifteen million dollars, would sign over half to me, and guarantee that he'd be dead in a year.
 
  If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.
   
  She's the original good time that was had by all. (about a starlet)
   
  The key to life is accepting challenges. Once someone stops doing this, he's dead.
 
Davis, Jim
   
Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.
   
Davis, Richard Harding
   
  No civilized person goes to bed the same day he got up.
 
Dean, Paul
   
The nice thing about meditation is that it makes doing nothing quite respectable.
 
de Beaumarchais, Caron
   
It is not necessary to understand things in order to argue about them.
 
DeGeneres, Ellen
   
  In the beginning there was nothing and God said, "Let there be light." And there was light. There was still nothing, but you see it a whole lot better.
   
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
   
De Gourmont, Remy
   
  Of all sexual aberrations perhaps the most peculiar is chastity.
   
De La Bruyere, Jean
   
  There are only two ways of getting on in the world: by ones own industry, or by the stupidity of others.
   
De La Rochefoucauld, Francois
   
  A man of wit would often be embarrassed without the company of fools.
   
  The pomp of funerals is more interesting to the vanity of the living than to the memory of the dead.
   
  A gentleman may love like a lunatic but not like a beast.
   
  We weep to avoid the shame of not weeping.
   
 
de Montaigne, Michel
   
  A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
   
  A wise man sees as much as he ought, not as much as he can.
   
  In biblical days it was considered a miracle for an ass to speak. Now it would be a miracle if one kept quiet.
   
  Man is stark mad; he cannot make a flea, and yet he will be making gods by the dozens.
   
Depew, Chauncey
   
  A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is a man who hopes they are.
   
  I get my exercise acting as a pallbearer to my friends who exercise.
 
Descartes, Rene
   
I think, therefore I am.
   
Dewar, Thomas
   
  Judge not a man by his clothes, but by his wife's clothes.
   
  A man should tell his wife everything that he is sure she will find out.
   
  Minds are like parachutes - they only function when open.
   
  Confession may be good for the soul but it is bad for the reputation.
   
  No wife can endure a gambling husband, unless he is a steady winner.
   
Dewey, John
   
  Anyone who has begun to think, places some portion of the world in jeopardy.
   
Diddley, Bo
   
  Don't let you mouth write no cheque that your tail can't cash.
 
Diller, Phyllis
 
  Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
   
  My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
   
  We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
   
Disraeli, Benjamin
   
There are three kinds of lies. Lies, damned lies and statistics.
   
  My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
   
Ditullio, Janine
   
  I finally have a dental plan. I chew on the other side.
   
Dole, Bob
   
  They told me to go for the jugular-so I did. It was mine.
   
Dumas, Alexander
   
  Give me the wicked over the foolish. The wicked are occasionally not wicked.
   
Dunne, Finley Peter
   
  Don't jump on a man unless he's down.
   
  The past always looks better than it was because it isn't here.
   
  Trust everybody, but cut the cards.
 
Durante, Jimmy
   
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
 
Durocher, Leo
   
If I were playing third base and my mother were rounding third, with the run that was going to beat us, I'd trip her. Oh, I'd pick her up and brush her off and say: Sorry Mom, but nobody beats me.
   
  I never questioned the integrity of an umpire. Their eyesight, yes.
   
 

Win any way as long as you can get away with it. Nice guys finish last.
   
Durst, Will
   
  They say assault weapons can be used as legitimate hunting rifles. Okay, I can buy that. You can also use a chainsaw to cut butter. It's just going to get a little messy around muffin time.
   
Dwyer, Bill
   
  My wife and I took out Life Insurance policies on one another, so now it's just a waiting game.
 
Dylan, Bob
 
  If you're not busy living, you're busy dying.
 
Eban, Abba
   
History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely when they have exhausted all other alternatives.
   
Eliot, George (Mary Ann Evans)
   
  He was like a cock who thought the sun had risen to hear him crow.
   
  Nothing is as good as it seems beforehand.
 
Emerson, Ralph Waldo
   
Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.
   
In skating over thin ice, our safety is in our speed.
   
  No change of circumstances can repair a defect of character.
   
  Take notes on the spot, a note is worth a cart-load of recollections.
   
  The worst of charity is that the lives you are asked to preserve are not worth preserving.
   
  We all boil at different degrees.
 
Erasmus, Desiderius
   
  War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it.
   
  Great abundance of riches cannot be gathered and kept by any man without sin.
 
Euripides
   
Ignorance of one's misfortunes is clear gain.
   
  It is for the general good of all that the wicked should be punished.
   
Farber, Barry
   
  Crime expands according to our willingness to put up with it.
   
Ferrara, Adam
   
  What if God's a woman? Not only am I going to Hell, I'll never know why.
   
Fielding, Henry
   
  Adversity is the trial of principle. Without it a man hardly knows whether he is honest or not.
   
   
Flynn, Errol
   
It isn't what they say about you; it's what they whisper.
 
Forbes, Malcolm
   
If you have a job without aggravations, you don't have a job.
   
People who never get carried away should be.
 
Fowler, Gene
   
  Men are not against you; they are merely for themselves.
   
Foxx, Redd
   
  Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
   
France, Anatole
   
  It is in the ability to deceive oneself that the greatest talent is shown.
   
Freud, Sigmund
   
  I have found little that is good about human beings. In my experience most of them, on the whole, are trash.
   
  Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
   
  The goal of all life is death.
   
  What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult.
   
Friedman, David
   
The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations.
 
Fromm, Erich
   
Immature love says: " I love you because I need you. " Mature love says: " I need you because I love you."
   
Frost, Robert
   
  A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes.
   
  A Diplomatist is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday, but never remembers her age.
   
  A jury consists of twelve people chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.
   
  By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day.
   
  If the working man gets his hours reduced much more he will be in danger of meeting himself coming home every time he goes to work.
   
  There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won't and that's a wife who can't cook and will.
   
  The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.
 
Fuller, Richard Buckminster
   
  The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun. 
   
Fuller, Thomas
   
  Choose a wife more by your ear than your eye.
   
Gainsbourg, Serge
   
Ugliness is in a way superior to beauty because it lasts.
   
Galbraith, John Kenneth
   
 

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism it's just the opposite.
 
Galilei, Galileo
   
  All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them.
   
 
Doubt is the father of invention.
   
  I have never met a man so ignorant that I couldn't learn something from him.
 
Gallagher
   
 
Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'Brightness,' but it doesn't work.
   
If you water it and it dies, it's a plant. If you pull it out and it grows back, it's a weed.
 
Galsworthy, John
   
Idealism increases in direct proportion to one's distance from the problem.
 
Gardner, Hy
   
You know you're getting old when everything hurts. And what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
 
Gates, Bill
   
In this business, by the time you realize you're in trouble, it's too late to save yourself. Unless you're running scared all the time, you're gone.
   
  Your most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning.
   
Geis, R.
   
I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
   
Getty, J. Paul
   
  If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
   
  The meek shall inherit the Earth, but not its mineral rights.
   
My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil.
   
Ghandi, Indira
   
  You can't shake hands with a clenched fist.
   
Gibb, Andy
   
  Girls are always running through my mind. They don't dare walk.
   
Gleason, Jackie
   
  The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.
   
Goldsmith, Oliver
   
  Every absurdity has a champion to defend it.
   
   
Godfrey, Arthur
   
  Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
 
Goldwyn, Samuel
   
I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs.
 
Gordon, Rabbi Julius
   
  Love is not blind - it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less.
   
Gracian, Baltasar
   
  He who has satisfied his thirst turns his back on the well.
   
  Never show your wounded finger.
 
Greenberg, Daniel
   
Don't ask the barber whether you need a haircut.
 
Gregory, Dick
   
  I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.
   
Grizzard, Lewis
   
  Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
   
I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
 
Grosvenor, George H.
   
Figures won't lie, but liars will figure.
 
Guitry, Sacha
   
You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.
   
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
   
Gulman, Gary
   
  The NFL Cheerleaders and gorgeous and sexy, but are their cheers helping anybody? Ever see a player interviewed after the game say: "We were down pretty big in the fourth quarter but then the cheerleaders started chanting "Defense!" That's when it dawned on the coach, "Them gals are right!"