Quotations And Quotes







Hackett, Buddy


	My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.

Hamilton, Alex

	Those who stand for nothing fall for anything.

Harrison, Rex

	I'm now at the age where I've got to prove that I'm just as good as I never was.

Hart, Johnny

	Never start a project until you've picked someone to blame.


Harvey, Paul

	Golf is a game in which you hell 'fore', shoot six and write down five.


	In times like these, it helps to recall that there have always been times like these.

Hawking, Stephen

	It matters if you just don't give up.

	My goal is simple. It is complete understanding of the universe, why it is as it is and why it exists at all.

	We are just an advanced breed of monkeys on a minor planet of a very average star. But we can understand the Universe. That makes us very special.

Hedberg, Mitch

	I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

	I think that ducks' opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether or not I have bread.

Heinlein, Robert A.


	Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

Heraclitus

	Nothing endures but change.


Herford, Oliver


	A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's, she changes it more often.


Hemmingway, Ernest

	All good books are alike in that they are truer than if they had really happened.

	Courage is grace under pressure.

	Never mistake motion for action.

	Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.

Henry, Buck

	We need a president who's fluent in at least one language.

Hepburn, Katherine

	I never realized until lately that women were supposed to be the inferior sex.

	I don't care what is written about me as long as it isn't true.

	Life is hard. After all, it kills you.

	Plain woman know more about men than beautiful ones do. But beautiful women don't need to know about men. It's the men who have to know about beautiful women.

Herford, Oliver

	A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's, she changes it more often.

Herold, Don

	There's one thing about baldness, it's neat.

Hill, Dave (Golfer)

	The golf swing is like sex. You can't be thinking about the mechanics of the act while you are performing.

	Golf is the hardest game in the world to play, and the easiest to cheat at.

Hippocrates

	Extreme remedies are most appropriate for extreme diseases.

	The life so short, the craft so long to learn.

Hitchcock, Alfred

	Drama is life with the dull bits cut out.

	The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

	The paperback is very interesting, but I find it will never replace the hardcover book - it makes a very poor doorstop.


	I never said all actors are cattle, what I said was all actors should be treated like cattle.

	I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made sound never equaled the purity of the sound achieved by the pig.

Hoffa, Jimmy

	Run from a knife and rush a gun.

Hoffer, Eric

	You can discover what your enemy fears most by observing the means he uses to frighten you.

Hogan, Ben

	I play golf with friends, but we don't play a friendly game.

	Relax? How can anybody relax and play golf? You have to grip the club don't you?

	As you walk down the fairway of life you must smell the roses, for you only get to play one round.

Holmes, Oliver Wendell

	Give us the luxuries of life and we will dispense with the necessities.

Holt, John

	The true test of character is how we behave when we don't know what to do.

Hoover, Herbert

	Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt.

	Older men declare war. But it is youth that must fight and die.

Hope, Bob

	The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that's why the dogs are so fast.

Horace

	Adversity has the effect of eliciting talents which in prosperous circumstances, would have lain dormant.

	In giving advice I advise you, be short.

	Stately towers tumble down with a heavier crash than more lowly buildings.

	Your own safety is a stake when your neighbors house is in flames.

Hornsby, Rogers

	I don't want to play golf. When I hit a ball, I want someone else to go chase it.

Howe, Ed

	The only thing some people do is grow older.

	Doing business without advertising is like winking at a girl in the dark. You know what you are doing but nobody else does.

	A good scare is worth more to a man than good advise.

	Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better.

	One of the difficult tasks in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.

Hubbard, Elbert

	If you have no enemies you are apt to be in the same predicament in regard to friends.

	One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men. No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man.

	The only man who makes money following the races is one who does it with a broom and shovel.

Hubbard, Kin

	Don't knock the weather, nine tenths of the people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in a while.

	Some people pay a compliment as if they expected a receipt.

	Nobody kicks on being interrupted if it's by applause.

	Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.

	When a fellow says it ain't the money but the principle of the thing, it's the money.

	The fellow that calls you "brother" usually wants something that doesn't belong to him.

	The fellow that owns his own home is always just coming out of a hardware store.

	The fellow that tries to commit suicide with a razor, and fails, would fail at anything.

	It ain't a bad plan to keep still occasionally, even when you know what you're talking about.

	It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you.

	It's no disgrace to be poor, but it might as well be.

	If there is anything a public servant hates to do it's something for the public.

	There are two ways to handle a woman, and nobody knows either of them.

	We'd all like to vote for the best man, but he's never a candidate.

	Who recalls when folks got along without something if it cost too much?

Hugo, Victor

	Forty is the age of youth, fifty is the youth of age.

	Slaves would be tyrants were the chance theirs.

Inge, William R.

	A man may build himself a throne of bayonets, but he cannot sit on it.

	Worry is interest paid on trouble before it falls due.

Ingersoll, Robert G.

	An honest God is the noblest work of man.

	Anger is a wind which blows out the lamp of the mind.

	Few rich men own their own property. The property owns them.

	Those who had loved God most have loved man least.

Irving, Washington

	Whenever a man's friends begin to compliment him about looking young, he may be sure that they think he is growing old.

Izzard, Eddie

	They say: "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." But I think that guns help. Just standing there saying "bang" doesn't really hurt anybody.

Jackson, Jesse

	Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.

James I

	He was a bold man who first swallowed an oyster.

Jeffries, Lambert

	Foresight is the spending of fifty years of adult life in comparative drudgery in order to be able to spend the remaining ten in a nursing home.

Jellinek, George

	The history of a people is found in its songs.

Jeni, Richard


	Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.

	I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said: "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west!"

	Women say it's not how much men have, but what we do with it. How many things can we do with it? What is it, a Cuisinart? It goes two speeds: Forward and Reverse.


Jerome, Jerome K.


	It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar.

Jerrold, Douglas

	The ugliest of trades have their moments. Were I a grave digger or perhaps a hangman, there are some people I could work for with a great deal of pleasure.


Jewell, Geri


	You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman. It's plucking your eyebrows. That's how I originally got pierced ears.


Joel, Billie

	There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.

John, Elton

	There's nothing wrong with going to bed with somebody of your own sex. People should be very free with sex - they should draw the line at goats.

Johnson, Lyndon

	I'd much rather have that fellow inside my tent pissing out, than to outside my tent pissing in. (about J. Edgar Hoover)

	If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that only one of them is doing the thinking.

	Jerry Ford is so dumb that he can't fart and chew gum at the same time.

	Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

Johnson, Samuel


	A man who spends ten thousand a year will do more good than a man who spends two thousand and gives away eight.

	A man should be careful never to tell tales of himself to his own disadvantage.

	Every man has a right to utter what he thinks true, and every other man has the right to knock him down for it.

	I can't drink a little, therefore I never touch it. Abstinence is as easy to me as temperance would be difficult.

	Marriage has many pains, but celibacy has no pleasures.

	I hate mankind, for I think myself to be one of them, and I know how bad I am.

	Almost every man wastes a part of his life in attempts to display qualities which he does not possess.

	You raise your voice when you should reinforce your argument.

	We are inclined to believe those whom we do not know because they have never deceived us.


Jones, Bobby

	Competitive golf is played mainly on a five-and-a-half-inch course, the space between your ears.

Jones, Franklin P.


	Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.


	The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.


Jones, Roger


	I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged.


Jong, Erica


	Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.

	Bigamy is having one husband too many. Monogamy is the same.


Kaiser, Henry J.

	When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.

Karr, Alphonse

	The more things change, the more they are the same.

	If men knew all that women think, they'd be twenty times more daring.

Kavanagh, P.J.

	Never be afraid to state the deafening obvious. It is always news to somebody.

Keller, Helen

	College isn't the place to go for ideas.

	Life is neither a daring adventure or nothing. Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature.

	One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar.

	Silence may have found a cure for most evils; but it has found no remedy for the worst of them all - the apathy of human beings.

	There is no king who has not had a slave among his ancestors, and no slave who has not had a king among his.

Kelton, Bobby

	The difference between being in a relationship and being in prison is that in prison they let you play softball on the weekends.

Kennedy, Robert F.

	Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.

	Some men see things as they are and say why? I dream things that never were and say "Why not?"

Kerr, Jean

	The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible.

	I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?


Khalid, Haythum R.


	If I seem to give a damn, please tell me. I would hate to be giving you the wrong impression.

Khrushchev, Nikita

	If you start throwing hedgehogs under me, I shall throw two porcupines under you.

	Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.

Kiekegaard, Soren Aabye

	Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.

Kightlinger, Laura

	I can't think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they're dead.

	I've been fired a few times in my life. And that's fine. In a lot of cases, it's only a little worse than getting hired.

Kiley, Brian

	I love being married, I was single for a long time, and I just got so sick of finishing my own sentences.

King, Stephen

	I guess when you turn off the main road, you have to be prepared to see some funny looking houses.

Kipling, Rudyard

	Take everything you like seriously, except yourself.

	Youth had been a habit of hers for so long that she could not part with it.

Kilborn, Craig

	There's a new device to wake sleepy drivers. The old device was the car crash.

Kirchenbauer, Bill

	I used to sell life insurance. But life insurance is a really weird concept. You really don't get anything for it. I works like this: You pay me money. And when you die. I'll pay you money.

Kolinsky, Sue

	Women forty-nine years old are having their first child. Forty-nine! I couldn't think of a better way to spend my golden years. What's the advantage of having a baby at forty-nine? So you both can be in diapers at the same time?

Kozol, Jonathan

	Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win.

Kubrick, Stanley

	The great nations have always acted like gangsters, and the small nations like prostitutes.

Lamb, Charles

	A mixture of brandy and water spoils two good things.

	The greatest pleasure I know is to do a good action by stealth and have it found out by accident.

Landers, Ann

	Never marry for the money. You can borrow it a lot cheaper.

	The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.

Landry, Tom

	Leadership is getting someone to do what they don't want to do, to achieve what they want to achieve.

Lang, Andrew

	He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lampposts - for support rather than illumination.


Lappos, Nick


	If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn't plan it properly.

Lardner, Ring

	An optimist is a girl who mistakes a bulge for a curve.

Laurie, Joe Jr.

	Magellan went around the world in 1521 - which isn't too many strokes when you consider the distance.

	This is the machine age. The only thing people do by hand is scratch themselves.

Lebowitz, Fran


	I figure you have the same chance of winning a lottery whether you play it or not.

Leifer, Carol

	When you life flashes before you, do you think that includes every trip you made to the bank?


Lenin, Vladimir

	A lie told often enough becomes the truth.

Leno, Jay

	If God had wanted us to vote he would have given us candidates.

	A new law has been enacted which will allow the timber industry to cut down excess trees. If you're in the timber industry, excess trees are the ones that haven't been cut down yet.

	Saudi Arabia is cracking down on terrorism. They've made a list of all known terrorists, which is basically their phonebook.

Lerner, Max

	When you choose the lesser of two evils, always remember that it is still an evil.

Letterman, David

	The worst-tempered people I have ever met were those that knew that they were wrong.

Levenson, Sam

	Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is, we'll find it.

	Horatio Alger started by shining shoes and within one year made a million dollars. He must have used very little polish.

Levenstein, Aaron

	Statistics are like bikinis. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

Lewis, Joe E.

	I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

	I drink to forget I drink.

	I'm still chasing girls, I don't remember what for, but I'm still chasing them.

	I met with an accident on the way to the track. I arrived safely.

	Show me a friend in need and I'll show you a pest.

	Sinatra played my life in The Joker Is Wild. He had more fun playing it than I had living it.

	You're only young once, and if you work it right, once is enough.

Lichtenberg, Georg

	Love is blind, but marriage restores the sight.

Lieberman, Gerald F.

	Traditionally the great men of our country have sprung from poor environments; that being so, it would appear we have long suffered from a severe lack of poverty.

Liebman, Wendy

	My husband and I had a very messy divorce because there was a baby involved. Him. And I didn't want custody.

	I don't do drugs, because I saw what it did to my friends. I'd get stoned and they'd look really weird to me.

Little, Mary

	There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is having lots to do and not doing it.

	A youth with his first cigar makes himself sick; a youth with his first girl makes everybody sick.


Lorenzoni, Father Larry


	The average person thinks he isn't.

Louis, Joe


	I don't like money, actually, but it quiets my nerves.

Love, Jason

	Remember, the early bird gets devoured by the early bird.

	It's the people that ask for loans that you don't want to lend money to.

Lowell, James Russell

	The foolish and the dead never change their opinions.


Liddy, G. Gordon

	Obviously crime pays, or there'd be no crime.

Longworth, Alice Roosevelt

	If you can't say something good about someone, sit right here by me.

Lowell, James Russell

	There is no good arguing with the inevitable. The only argument available with an east wind is to put on your overcoat.

Luce, Clare Boothe

	No good deed goes unpunished.

Lundholm, Mark

	My first-grade teacher said, "Okay Mark, tell us everything you know about the letter H." I said; "That's Jesus' middle name."