Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock.

The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

It doesn't matter if you're on the right track, if you don't move, you'll get run over.

Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.

The minute you read something you can't understand, you can almost be sure it was drawn up by a lawyer.

I'm not concerned about the return on my money, I'm concerned about the return of my money.

My folks didn't come over on the Mayflower but they were here to meet the boat.

Everyone is ignorant, only on different subjects.

We can't all be heroes because someone has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.