I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.

I'm afraid of planes. I don't trust the oxygen mask. The little orange cup - attached to that bag that's full of nothing. Maybe I'm cynical. I don't even think that it's an oxygen mask. I think it's more to just muffle the screams.

They caution pregnant woman not to drink alcohol. It may harm the baby. I think that's ironic. If it wasn't for alcohol most women wouldn't be that way.

I envy the kangaroo. That pouch setup is extraordinary, the baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets into the pouch, and proceeds to mature. I'd have a baby if it would develop in my handbag.

My car has this feature that I guess is standard, because it was on my last car too. It has a rotating gas tank. Whatever side of the pump I pull up to, it's on the other side.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

When I meet a man I ask myself, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.