A baby is an inestimable blessing and bother.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on it's shoes.

A man with a new idea is a crank until he succeeds.

A round man cannot be expected to fit in a square hole right away. He must have time to modify his shape.

Adam and Eve had many advantages but the principal one was that they escaped teething.

Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.

All religions issue Bibles against Satan and say the most injurious things against him, but we never hear his side.

Always do right, this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary.

Be careless in your dress if you must, but keep a tidy soul.

By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's I mean.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.

Denial ain't a river in Egypt.

Do the things you fear most and the death of fear is certain.

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living; the world owes you nothing; it was here first.

Don't let school interfere with your education.

Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist but you have ceased to live.

Everything has its limit - iron ore cannot be educated into gold.

Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.

Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

Golf is a good walk spoiled.

History does not repeat itself. But it does rhyme.

I could never learn to like her, except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight.

I did not attend his funeral; but I wrote  a nice letter saying I approved of it.

I do not like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.

If Christ were here now there is one thing he wouldn't be - a Christian.

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. It is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.

It is easier to stay out than to get out.

It is good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.

It is noble to teach oneself, but still nobler to teach others - and less trouble.

It is not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that make horse races.

I've seen many troubles in my time, only half of which ever come true.

Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.

Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.

Let us endeavor to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.

Man - a creature made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.

Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid.

Put all your eggs in one basket and watch that basket.

Religion consists in a set of things which the average man thinks he believes and wishes he was certain of.

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.

Sometimes too much drink is barely enough.

The fact that man knows right from wrong proves his intellectual superiority to other creatures; but the fact that he can do wrong proves his moral inferiority to any creature that cannot.

The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.

The man that does not read good books is at no advantage over the man that can't read them.

The radical of one century is the conservative of the next. The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out, the conservative adopts them.

The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.

There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice.

There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate: when he can't afford it and when he can.

There is no security in life, only opportunity.

To be good is noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble.

To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times.

To promise not to do a thing is the surest way in the world to make a body want to go and do that very thing.

To succeed in life you need two things: ignorance and confidence.

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did.

What a good thing Adam had. When he said a good thing, he knew nobody had said it before.

What a man misses most in heaven is company.

When a man's dog turns against him it is time for a wife to pack her trunk and go home to mama.

When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.

When I was a boy of 14 my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to twenty-one I was astonished at how much the old man had learnt in seven years.

When in doubt, tell the truth.

Whenever you find you are on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.

You can't depend on your judgment (or eyes) when your imagination is out of focus.