A budget is a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.
 
 
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. 
 
 
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
 
 
Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
 
 
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
 
 
Few women admit their age, few men act it.
 
 
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
 
 
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
 
 
Make it idiot proof, and someone will make a better idiot.
 
 
He who laughs last, last slowest.
 
 
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
 
 
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be having fun.
 
 
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
 
 
Why is "Abbreviation" such a long word?
 
 
Diplomacy is that art of saying "Nice Doggie" till you can find a rock.
 
 
Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
 
 
Jesus is coming, look busy.
 
 
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
 
 
Born Free, Taxed to Death.
 
 
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
 
 
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
 
 
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
 
 
Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all its students.
 
 
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
 
 
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
 
 
Friend help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
 
 
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
 
 
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
 
 
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her -  or something like that.
 
 
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian.
 
 

The sooner I fall behind, the more time I have to catch up.
 
 
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them.
 
 
A friend is someone you wouldn't shoot unless you had to.
 
 
Please don't ask me to relax. It's only the tension that's holding me together.
 
 
An economic forecaster is like a cross-eyed javelin thrower: they don't win many accuracy contests, but they keep the crowd's attention.
 
 
Jealousy is the only vice that gives no pleasure.
 
 
There's nothing wrong with having nothing to say -- unless you insist on saying it.
 
 
When science finally locates the center of the universe, some people will be surprised to learn they're not it.
 
 
Adam was a rough draft.
 
 
Worrying is wasting today's time cluttering up tomorrow's opportunities with yesterday's troubles.
 
 
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
 
 
Never ask what goes into a hot dog.
 
 
There's always free cheese in a mousetrap.
 
 
If you think the world is against you it doesn't necessarily mean that it isn't.
 
 
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
 
 
Father's Day is like Mother's Day only cheaper.
 
 
Desk: A wastebasket with drawers.
 
 
A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the other one.
 
 
We learn nothing from history except that we learn nothing from history.
 
 
Always borrow from a pessimist, he never expects to get it back.
 
 
Women will be as pleasing to men as whiskey when they learn to improve as much with age.
 
 
If you don't think women are explosive, drop one.